05212013 

I’m all choked up. Tears forming at the corner of my eyes. Don’t know what I feel. Young or used. 

05182013 Retry

Dear Diary.
Although tonight may be another night filled with laughter and love, because of someone else’s advice, what matters the most is what I feel. Although it may seem easy to just forget and forgive, there are also things that I feel that shouldn’t be tethered nor avoided because love conquers all. 
I am one of those non-bullshit type of people and, although yes sometimes I do believe that love can really do much wonders, it’s also a very limited term. Love is powerful, and even though the word has been thrown around a couple of times in the past, the meaning to me is too different and too significant for me to regard anyone else in the equation unless they truly mean something to me.
With my boyfriend, I feel as if I have hit a brick wall today, and was really on the verge of break it or make it. Even though, we have somewhat resolved our conflict, I still don’t feel not change. He is one of the few guys I have actually cared for and stuff, but that does not change the fact that I do need more than just love in the equation. 
I do forgive him and I do still like him, but I feel as though I have hit a dead end and it’s either I carve my way through a new road, or I just get out of the car and continue the road alone on foot. 
There are just somethings that he cannot provide nor give me due to his lack of attentiveness and care. He does care, but he lacks the observency that I require in my partner. I do see a future with him, but for right now, the light is very dim and the path is murky and foggy. 
Maybe I’m just tired. I’m going to try to sleep in a different bed than him tonight because I really don’t want to have sex with him right now and I really don’t feel as if i need to wake up and feel obligated to please him. I mean I know he’s tired, but so am I. Way more tired, since I didn’t even had any shut eye today.

May 17th, 2013

Walk in the alley with no fear and no light,
but yet a single tear pierces through my eyes
and the wave comes crashing on,
with no tomorrow and as high as the skies. 

What hurts the most is the lack,
not the lack of trust nor love, 
nor the lack of care nor hope,
but what hurts the most,
is the lack of ability to cope. 

I gaze and think to myself
“Why, oh why, must life be like death?”
“Why, oh why, must you again lean into
a wall that only falls through?”

It’s not my foot that aches,
nor the stomach pains.
It’s not my head that hurts,
but it’s my heart that remains.

It remains as the single entity,
that I have not yet abused,
Thus I have never gotten hurt,
and now it’s time for me to be the accused. 

I am guilty of pride and envy,
gluttony or lust, no less,
maybe greed and wrath too,
And maybe sloth in disguise.

I am accused of all the of the above,
but no one accused me of being too true,
too patient, too calm, 
too easily misunderstood. 

Yet, the ignorance gets the better deal,
What I leave with is bruises and cuts,
what he has left is his pride, made of steel.

Not really a poem, per say,
just a simple sonnet for myself,
to remind me everyday of 
What should have been, what I would’ve had, what I could of have: Love.

05162013 Feelings of Guilt

Dear Diary,
So night owls should sleep before the sun fucking rises.
I don’t do much at school anymore. No more classes, which means I should be studying, but I’m not. 
So I’m not stressed; just distressed. Tanya and I are not on good terms, well not on bad terms either. We’re just not speaking nor seeing each other; and that’s mostly my decision. 
I am so sick of her shit. She’s my best friend and everything, and I know she loves me and i do too, but enough is enough. I can’t deal with her and her bullshit anymore. i feel so guilty bad-mouthing her behind her back but I just don’t know how else to deal. Ugh, why is she making my life so freaking stressed?
It’s like she was okay with everything before things changed. All because I’m in a fucking relationship doesn’t mean we’re not best friends. This does not mean we shouldn’t see each other, or should be avoiding each other. This also does not mean that I’m not going to have time for you. But this does mean that you have to understand that I won’t have the same amount of time for you than I have for him. And please understand, I really hate talking badly about other people, even though I do sometimes do it, but talking about my boyfriend and how much you don’t like him anymore does not help me, nor you. 
The only thing I can say right now is that I can only do what’s best for both of us and just not deal with it right now because I’m tired. Recently I’ve gotten less stressed but more… upset. I would lie in bed, while Chris is asleep, with either my eyes closed or open and just think. I would contemplate and evaluate my choices and see whether each decision and step I take is the right one. 

On the other hand, I feel really guilty. I am literally ditching my best friend for my own selfish desires. I may say that it’s for the best for us both, but I highly doubt that is what my heart really wants. Am I making the same mistake I did with Andrew? Finding some fault in my friends for expressing their distaste in my partner, and using that as a barrier and excuse to push them away? 

I feel guilty. I feel bad. I feel like a total shit head. I am not there for my best friend when she needs me the most. At her most epic point of stress, and I decide now is the time I should abandon her. Alone to fight finals, alone to be in the room, and knowing that she does not have anybody else, I still continue doing what I do. Am I really that bad at heart? Should I just compensate and make amends? But then again, that is not what my gut is saying. On the other hand, my gut isn’t always the best direction-giver. 

 I’m happy though. No matter what shit I’m going through, I still feel secure and cared for. He’s a total shit head sometimes, but he’s the most adorable shit-head I’ve seen. And he’s a retard. The most fucking retard.. kajdsflkjasdf he’s trying to get comfortable by folding his legs and contorting tin the most awkwardest position. I don’t know what I’m with him. But then again, I know. He may have his flaws, but the flaws aren’t that bad if you see it from a different light. And his pros outweighs the cons. So it’s not a big deal. Once we like each other, I don’t give a crap about anything else right now.

All I know is that I’m happy with him, and nothing can stop me from falling for him even more. Unless he does something fucked up… like call me a bitch,