Men (and oh yeah, I AM talking about you)

We and men are different in so many ways,
for one we mean what we say.
They think high-priced gifts are enough,
but we like sentimental stuff.
Arrogant, unforgiving, unsensitive while we
give things the naked eye can not see.
They love us for a limited amount,
but we love them in too many ways to count.
Trust me girls, we’re better off without them,
We alone are perfect gems.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m wrong,
but broken hearts turn into songs.
Single girls sing and cry about a guy,
while he can’t wait to say goodbye.
We die a little inside every time he say
I don’t love you as much today.
They can drop us in one two three,
all they care about is me, me, me.
We are left shattered to bits,
cause we fell down into the bottomless pit.
While in love, they tell us we’re beautiful,
but then I realize it was all bull.
I imaged our wedding with flying doves.
“Maybe this is true love”
Until today when I asked him this,
to run away… you get the gist.
He said he couldn’t because he
had too much here to leave for me.
I sat there listening, not questioning at first,
but then I couldn’t help but burst.
How could this be the guy I gave my all to?
I promised myself, that he will rue.
Mark my words, I am stronger than I seem,
I may cry but I am made from steel beams.
I blamed myself for all our arguments,
but my goodbyes are what I sent.
He called me inconsiderate for asking
but I believe the symbol of the ring.
Willing to give your all to the other,
he said (with a irratated tone) “oh brother”
Called me stupid for thinking that way,
but I mean what can I say?
I was in love, and now I know
and now he will forever be my foe.
I don’t regret losing all that time
& I really didn’t spend more than a dime.
I will never cry for another man,
all the tears gone. bam.
You are one of those people, who make us stronger,
and we will always remember.
Wonder why woman have power?
Cause you did this to her.
Now girls, to those who understand this,
If you want revenge, trust me, you won’t miss.
They say we won’t ever make the shot,
but they are the ones who will rot.
Don’t worry we won’t linger in the past
Just remember, we came first, and you came last.
You are the chick and we are the hen,
Whatever, men will always be men.

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As the last minutes of 2011 approaches, I think of the old times I had with you. I don’t know what it is, but everything from the past year on has changed. I don’t know when it started but it hasn’t been going well. I think ever since the incident during Spring Break the grudge you have been holding against me has been overwhelming; with you always pinning it against me to me feeling like you’re using that as leverage. Somehow I can recall the night before the New Year’s from the previous year… and I remember you saying something along the lines of “2011 will be a good year, I promise.”

Not the only promise you broke this year, right? Although I had promised myself that we would not break up, I mean some things are inevitable. I would cool off with you, but I guess you don’t get the meaning of cool off. I think that it would be easiest if I just broke up with you then and there anyways, leaving me with no headache, but you always said that we can fix things and that you would change. Maybe I’m just not fit for relationships because even as I keep on thinking that I tried so hard in this one, it only seems to get worse through the time we spend together.

I hope we can stay together, and like that crazy fucking bitch from today said, it would be a miracle that is worth living and fighting for, for us to last a lifetime but I just feel after April 21st, I will never be able to fully appreciate any relationship I have. Needless to say, our relationship. I mean, I really don’t like bringing him up but I remember how I used to always save his text messages and reread them to myself until I fall asleep every night. I would think to myself how sweet and charming (and totally unlame) he was. I would say that this guy is one of the few guys that has ever charmed me in such way and I would love to spend eternity with this guy, but I guess its a fake. Cause I mean he may say one thing, but I mean we broke up before our 2nd month right?

And then this guy walks in and then gives me the total opposite. He can’t compliment or charm for shit, but he is a wonderful guy. Now maybe it’s some bias shit, but seriously, I don’t believe the act. I guess the first guy was all charming but actions were not loud enough, but this new guy has actions but none of the charm. Now, my mother always told me that charming men can charm other women as well, and heck, I believe it, but being loyal is not the only thing I need. I always wonder to myself why oh whyyy did I even THOUGHT about doing what I did during Spring Break?

Then, I remember the pyschiatry books I read in the 6th grade. They said that behind every conscious (or under the influence) wrongdoing there is a missing part of ones life. To exemplify, its like if I were an alcoholic I must have some reason behind it. Either I am missing fatherly love, or I had a close relative that passed away. Regardless of what it is, it is caused by the absence of something in one’s life. So, right now I’m going to figure out what was missing from my life at that time that I just HAD to fuck up my current (or past, whatever it may be right now) relationship.

I always blamed Andrew, and said that he never gave me the proper attention that I wanted or needed. I always said to myself, maybe if I got a different boyfriend, one with both the charm of the first one, and the actions (or intent) or the second one, I would have myself a keeper. But I guess that wasn’t what was missing from my life. Maybe I was missing myself. By being with this guy, I stopped so many things in my life that was important to me, and to this day, is still very important to me, even though he may think is stupid.

I gave up all my friends (bonding time), I gave up partying (which he thinks is immature and stupid and irresponsible), and a whole other handful of things. But to be honest, who gives a shit what he thinks? What does he know about having fun or living life? I love him, but the matter of fact is that how come everybody else can have a social life and still maintain a healthy relationship while I, over here, is living in a piece of shit right now? It’s cause he doesn’t believe in what I do and I don’t either for his morals. He likes straight-edge things: handing in things late, being early, making sure family likes him, caring about his reputation, thinking being a good boy is a good image, etc. While for me, I like being right on time (not too late not too early… def not too early), not caring about family besides my sister, not giving a shit about what anybody thinks about me, fucking around with friends, getting messy, just having fun without thinking about the consequences.

Yeah, I’m a teenager all right, but who cares? This is my only time to be like this. If I start “living my life” when I’m like 30, everybody else will have a family, and so will I, and what happens then? I’m going to be some lame ass mom that doesn’t know shit. I don’t want to be OCD about everything, from my phone to my clothes and shit. It is really annoying. Other couples can go party together, but he rather stay at home, skyping or playing games or doing his fucking college apps than be with me. That is a fucking boring life and I can’t believe I did that for so many months. It is unbelievable that I only fucked up once, cause knowing me I don’t want my self-control.

But do you know why I do it, Andrew? It’s cause I love you, more than you will ever love me. You say the same thing to me but guess what I have become a whole different person for you and you are still the same OCD SOB I knew from Day 1. I always wanted to show you to live life and just don’t give a shit about your fucking stains or your fucking neat ass notes cause to be honest, whose looking huh? I’m definetly not. I’m looking at your smile when we have fun. Remember our lotion fights? That was fun and messy. Now how about add some clothes and change the lotion into mud. Imagine yourself with your best shoes and best clothes on, the ones that you cherish.

Can you really do that for me? You can buy all those precious clothes back or just get new ones… but you can never buy me. I’m not a hooker. I’m going to get drunk tonight, I hope. First drink to me, second to you, and third to us, I hope we can stay forever and ever. And I hope you can see things my way for once. For once in your life, please be the teenager. I am giving us both a chance. I need release from stress, and who gives a shit if it’s bad for me. I’m a teenager. Let me be bad.

Since…

I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, I will start writing on tumblr for my you know problems again.
Hi, I missed you. I guessed this is what I call letting go. It was really hard looking at his face and telling him I don’t need or want him in my life no more. But I had to do it, I had to. It’s not like I want to but I just… I needed to do it. I can’t sleep anymore. It won’t give me a break. Are you happy now?
The gift, oh god, the gift. When I got it right when I got home I said to myself, I just can’t get rid of you can I? I haven’t cried yet, but I got all night. But even if this isn’t my choice he will get what he wants.

He can resume back to the life that he once had, the one without me or headaches. I know he wants to break up with me too, he just doesn’t want him, himself, to do it. I just know it. I just know it. They know it too, that’s one of the main reasons why… I’m not getting into that.

He can be with his friends, without feeling the pressure to be with me, because I know being with his friends will make him happier than being with me. He just needs friends. Oh god, it’s coming out. No no, I am stronger than this. His friends are not of my liking, but it is of his and I want him happy. I love him but we are just two different people.

He can finally be free from me, from the chains I’ve set on him. He might be sad right now, but he will be hapy sooner or later. He will realize he doesn’t need me anymore and that I am just an ordinary girl. The day he realizes this… I will vanish from the face of the Earth. No one will find me or hear of me again… either that or I’ll just kill myself. LOLOL I don’t know yet. I still need to find a suicide that I can do that is painless and fast ….

They told me that I should leave right now but I really don’t have a place to stay yet. I don’t know what they want me to do. Why the fuck are they here? Haha….

They just won’t let me rest, they won’t let me sleep, and they won’t let me be happy. I don’t want to drag him down with me.

Well, besides the fact that they’re here again… there were problems. It seems as if everytime we fought, we just left the problem to hinder and linger. We never solved anything. It’s like both of us gave up somewhere down the road. Ha, I knew we wouldn’t last longer than Jason… oh what a life. I had hope, I had dreams, I finally felt love, and I just threw it away.

I hope he can be happy without me, cause it will never be the same for me. It will never be fully perfect anymore. I just want to run away right now. OHGOD; it’s coming out. Nope, all gone.

I really gotta get myself checked out. I will never forget today. Today is the start of my life’s misery until I finally… ugh nothing. I’m going to carve a cross into my stomach, I already did the top, I just need to do the bottom. I’m sorry I lost that necklace of yours. I really loved it, and I still do. This is for you okays?

I love you, please don’t ever forget me. In case, I jump off a bridge in the next couple of days or in case I run away, can someone tell him that L’amour véritable est éternel. And he was the only one that I’ve ever felt, and would ever feel that way with..

Worthless 100211

I’m good for nothing, like a rotten apple.
Don’t call me your friend cause I’m nothing as such.
I lose everything and everyone.
Everyday I cry and cry so much.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just end it all
But, no I stay here because I’m just so selfish.
I make hell rain and everyone wants me dead.
It’s a fact that it’s everybody’s wish.